By Matthew Stein, P.E., Author of When Technology Fails: A Manual for Self-Reliance and Planetary Survival, ISBN #978-1933392837, published by Chelsea Green Publishing, White River Junction, VT (800) 639-4099 http://www.chelseagreen.com

Over the past twenty years, I have had a number of very intense spiritual experiences. I have spoken of these experiences to my family members and a few close friends. My purpose in writing this is not to preach any particular philosophy or to boast, but simply to share these experiences with anyone who might find them interesting and fascinating, as I did. I am certainly no saint and struggle with my share of human weaknesses and problems.

I was born and raised Jewish, but it took a 108 year old Indian Hindu Saint (we called him “Guruji”), who baptized me with fire, to awaken me to the teachings of Jesus. I now call myself a Christian. Some of my beliefs depart significantly from modern Christianity, though recent archeological evidence indicates that they are much in line with early Christian “Gnostic” beliefs that were prevalent in the two centuries following the crucifixion. One day, after a group meditation, which the Yogi offered to the public, someone in the audience asked Guruji, “What about Jesus?” Guruji regularly meditated with a poster size print of Jesus to one side and a print of Krishna on the other side. I expected him to say something like, “Jesus was OK, but it was these Hindu guys who were really special”. Instead he surprised me by saying, “Jesus was the supreme example of what we might become if we give our selves over 100% to God. He was the ‘God-Man’, the Avatar of the modern age”. Coming from Guruji, this statement had a profound effect on me. This Yogi had provided me with the most intense experiences of my lifetime, simply by tapping me on the top of my head. I had seen a number of people that Guruji had miraculously healed of serious illnesses such as paralysis and life threatening cancers. To me, he seemed to have a direct phone line to God, yet he placed Jesus on a level far above himself.

Some time in 1979, about two years after my initiation by the Yogi, I was blessed with a wonderful vision of Jesus. At the time of this vision, I was a mechanical engineer, recently graduated from MIT, and was working for Hewlett Packard in Palo Alto, California. I was running in the hills near Stanford University, when it felt as if a spinning vortex appeared above my head. I had the sense of being sucked up into this vortex. The next thing I saw, was myself standing at the edge of a meadow. In the vision, I was an old white haired man dressed in a white robe and sandals. Two of my spiritual students accompanied me. Jesus stood in the center of the meadow. He turned to face me. He stretched out his arm towards me and welcomed me with “I’m glad you have come! I’ve been waiting for you”. Such glorious radiance! Incredible total unconditional love and forgiveness radiated from Lord Jesus! I don’t recall anything else from the vision until I returned to my body, roughly two miles beyond the point where the vision had started.

When my spirit returned through the spinning vortex, back into my present body, I was filled with the magnificent supercharged energy of God. Tears of joy streaming down my face, I blazed back to Stanford at what seemed like a sub-four minute mile pace for the next mile. For years, I pondered the significance of this event. Why me? Why was a nice Jewish boy from Vermont blessed with a vision of Jesus?

Over the past years, three very intense hypnosis sessions have shed some light on my vision of Jesus. My wife, Josi, regressed me to a lifetime at the time of the master, where I actually saw the crucifixion and then became one of the early Christians. Josi has a real gift for applying the healing side of hypnosis. Her hypnosis sessions help people to access the deep, hidden subconscious roots of their strong emotional issues, which often result in re-experiencing forgotten childhood memories or previous lives. The results are usually surprising, intense and generally very effective at resolving or alleviating these strong emotional issues.

In the spring of 1994, during one of my occasional sessions with Josi, I experienced very vividly that I had been a Jew living at the time of Jesus. I saw that I was a close associate of Saint Peter and that I, in this current life, still bore a tremendous subconscious burden of guilt for the belief that I had somehow betrayed Peter in that ancient time. During this session, I did not see clear details concerning my life around the time of Jesus. In spite of the lack of details, the session was still an incredibly intense, emotion filled session, where both Josie and I felt the immediate presence of Saint Peter. Though I had not been able to forgive myself, it became clear that Peter had forgiven me long ago.

The goal of this session had been to find the root of what I felt was my spiritual blockage. The session had started with Josi’s induction leading me into a hypnotic trance, followed by her attempts to find the root using rational questions posed to my subconscious mind. Failing to get anywhere with these traditional tactics, Josi’s inner intuitional wisdom took over, with very powerful results. She related to me that she “saw” a load of stones on my back. One of these stones was glowing bright red. “What is this stone?’ she asked.

I answered, “It’s Peter. I’ve betrayed Peter”. Thinking that I meant our good friend, Peter in Santa Cruz, she replied that she didn’t think that I had betrayed our friend Peter. I corrected her that I meant “THE PETER”, SAINT PETER! As I said before, even though this session was terribly intense and brought floods of tears and the strong feelings of the energy and presence of Peter in the room, I did not see many details from my life in that time.

In March of 1997, I had another session with Josi. It started out as a sort of Magical Mystery Tour of past lives and issues, which I had touched on in various prior sessions over a period of several years. It was a wonderful tapestry of karmic threads, lessons learned, botched relationships, etc. As the session appeared to be winding to a close, Josi had me put all the different people on an altar (in my mind) so that I might offer them forgiveness and ask for their forgiveness as a step towards completion. Suddenly, Josi felt another presence off to the side, an incredibly sad presence. It was Peter! “What about Peter?” she asked. “Didn’t you forget Peter?”

Suddenly, I was back in Jerusalem. Scene after scene from my life in that time flooded into my consciousness. It was like watching a deeply moving and powerful movie. Feelings were so intense at certain times that they brought tears, screams, anguish and joy. I will relate here what I recall from this momentous time period. Keep in mind that this session was therapeutic in nature and not for historical research. We did not look for details like names and dates, but sought for emotional completion and healing. Perhaps I will return to this time period again, from a more historical point of view, in a future session? When I opened my eyes at the end of this session, tears, wonder and laughter mixed together in an unusual combination! I was extremely emotional and deeply moved by the intensity of the incredible drama I had witnessed.

I saw myself as a merchant living in Jerusalem at the time of Christ. I was from the middle class, comfortable but certainly not rich or powerful. My small shop was crammed full of many different items, such as rugs, silver wares and candles. It was located in down town Jerusalem, just a few blocks from the temple. I was not married and still lived with my parents, which was customary for unmarried children in those days.

The man called Jesus had been a minor topic of conversation for a number of years due to his great depth of knowledge for one so young and for his somewhat radical teachings. The recently reported miracles had transformed him from a minor prophet and teacher to the number one hot topic of gossip and conversation. It seemed that people in Jerusalem talked of little else. I had not yet met him personally, but took part in the daily discussions about him amongst my friends and customers. The stories about him began to sound more and more preposterous with each new day, but some very reputable people swore that they had personally witnessed miraculous healings.

At first, his band of peasant type followers had attracted little attention. When the tales of miraculous healings began to circulate, he started to draw quite a crowd wherever he went. When it was reported that he had fed a large crowd on a small basket of bread and a few fishes, huge crowds began to follow him, hoping to be fed and to see first hand such miracles.

Caiaphas was the head of the Jewish community in Jerusalem. I knew him personally, though he was not a close friend. He was a brilliant scholar of the Holy Writings and knew Jewish law inside and out. He was very proud of his intellect and position of influence both with the Jews and the Roman government. Quite a pompous fellow, he enjoyed the admiration and praise of the entire Jewish community in Jerusalem.

As news of the miracles spread, the whole city was talking about Jesus. In every shop, on every corner, it seemed that no one talked of any thing else. It was like the Super Bowl or the World Series is today! Caiaphas slipped further and further into the background. Mere vocal eloquence and book learning were no match for miracles. When Caiaphas heard that Jesus had delayed going to heal Lazarus, after being told that his good friend was terribly ill, and that Lazarus had subsequently died, Caiaphas gloated. He was sure that this would take the wind out of Jesus’ sails. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, it was a harsh blow for Caiaphas and the rest of the Jewish hierarchy. They decided that something must be done to derail Jesus before their position of influence both with the Romans and the Jewish community was destroyed. There was fear that anarchy would ensue if Jesus’ influence was allowed to increase unchecked, and that would encourage the Romans to replace the current rulers with someone who could better keep the peace (I heard about this mostly second hand).

The first time that I saw Jesus was during his famous confrontation with the moneychangers in the temple. I had heard that he was in town (every one knew it). A young friend had burst into my shop saying that Jesus was in the temple and that there was quite an angry scene. I ran out of my shop and over to the temple so I could finally see for myself the Nazarene that everyone was talking about.

When I arrived at the temple, Jesus was just finishing his speech against conducting trade within the temple and “turning his father’s holy place into a den of thieves”. He spoke eloquently, passionately and with power. Naturally, the moneychangers and vendors were violently angry and upset with Jesus. After all, their livelihood was threatened. A small scuffle ensued where Jesus overturned some tables and pushed a couple vendors off the temple steps. They would probably have banded together against Jesus, but the crowd stood in Jesus’ defense, so they collected their belongings and left.

I was definitely impressed with this man, Jesus. He had a presence about him. He appeared to shine with the light of God, himself. When he spoke, he spoke with authority and power. There was no questioning the truth of what he said. I told myself that I would like to hear him speak again. I was curious to see what wisdom I might learn from him, but was in no hurry, for I thought I would have plenty of opportunities to see him again.

The next time I saw Jesus was in the square by the temple. I heard that they had arrested him in the night and were questioning him before the court of elders. I watched from the sidelines as he was accused of all sorts of blasphemous things. Silently I watched as people in the crowd yelled, “crucify him!” One of the biggest regrets of that life was that I remained silent as he was accused of breaking God’s laws and seeking to make a God out of himself. In my heart, I knew that he was the Messiah, the one prophesied by Isaiah and others. I know I could not have changed the outcome, but how I wish I had spoken out in his defense! Later, I learned that the crowd was filled with men who had been bribed by Caiphus and others to yell for Jesus’ crucifixion.

When they flogged him I was watching from the sidelines. As he paused for a moment between the lashes, his gaze met mine. Instantly, I was initiated, I was baptized with fire! My hands and feet felt like I was on fire with a million volts of electricity. The light and energy of God settled upon me. Never in my life had I felt anything like this! How could this man have paused for just a moment, while being tortured, and do this to me? He gazed into my eyes with incredible love and compassion, then just nodded to acknowledge the magnitude of what had just happened to me in that moment of grace. They made him bear his crucifixion stake through the streets. I followed close behind, now certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that this man was the Christ, the chosen one of God.

In anguish, I realized that I had missed an incredible opportunity. I had been too busy with my business and daily life to take the time to seek out this messenger of God. Now, I lamented, he was to be taken away from us forever.

I followed the soldiers and Jesus to the hill where they crucified him. When he died, a powerful wind swept through the place. It was as if the spirits of a thousand people lifted to heaven at once. A chill filled all who waited and watched. The Earth shook and a mysterious darkness covered the sun.

Oh Caiaphas if you had only known what events you had started! You thought you would be finished with Jesus when you killed him, that everything would return to normal, but things only got worse. Jerusalem was torn apart! No amount of bribes could keep all the soldiers quiet. They had been guarding the tomb where Jesus lay, to prevent his followers from stealing the body so they could say he was resurrected. An army of angels and ghostly phantoms marched round the tomb, striking fear into their hearts. If not for the penalty of death, certainly all the soldiers would have deserted their posts. Then, the master’s body disappeared from the tomb. Fantastic rumors were rampant. Jerusalem was a tormented city, torn apart spiritually and politically!

I sought out the disciples of Jesus. The man named Peter became my mentor and closest friend. He saw how the Holy Spirit had descended upon me and heard my story of being touched by the gaze of the master. By now, Jesus had arisen. He had been seen by many of the disciples and the women. Reports of material visitations of the resurrected Jesus began to filter in from all parts of Judea. As the town and community had been torn apart over the controversy, so was my family equally torn. The guilt over the crucifixion drove most people one of two directions. Either they felt a tremendous sorrow over what had happened and accepted the miracles and other signs of Jesus’ spiritual nature, or they dug their heels in (as Caiaphas did) and vehemently argued that Jesus was a charlatan and deserved what he got.

My father was a very conservative, traditional man. He listened to whatever the elders decreed. When he heard that I was a member of the followers of Jesus, he forbade me to associate with them anymore. My mother was interested in what I had to say about the teachings of Jesus, but obediently followed my father’s iron rule. I urged her to come with me to meet Peter and the others, but to no avail. Sadly, I told my family that they were no longer my family, that my real family was my spiritual brothers and sisters. So, leaving my family and my business behind, I joined Peter and the others full time.

It was an incredible period of time! I was there for the Pentecost. Filled with the Holy Spirit, we traveled throughout Judea healing and teaching all who were willing. The Grace and joy of daily life were beyond words! Unfortunately, this state of existence did not last.

Peter’s main fault had always been his temper. Being a disciple and a man of God did not mean that he was without faults. The followers of Jesus, who were not yet known as Christians, were living communally. All wealth and material property were put into a common trust to support the work of spreading the new teachings and the “good words” of Christ. There was a man and his wife, in the Bible they are called Ananias and Sapphira, who joined the group of early Christians. They were a couple of considerable means and sold a parcel of land to contribute to the communal property of the Christines. Pretending to turn over the whole amount from the sale, Ananias and his wife secretly held back some of the proceeds for themselves. Peter, being filled with the Holy Spirit and the extraordinary powers that it brings, saw through their seduction and lies. Filled with rage, he misused the powers of the Holy Spirit and caused the deaths of both Ananias and Sapphira.

A wave of fear spread throughout our tightly knit group. Striking dead a fellow Christian for a deception had little in common with the teachings of the Master, who said “let he who is with out sin cast the first stone” and to “forgive your brother not seven times, but seven times seventy times”. Led by myself, we turned our backs on Peter.

Not only did we desert Peter, but the Holy Spirit also left him. No longer were his prayers and meditations glorious ecstatic light filled experiences. No longer did the light of God flow through Peter’s hands to bring about miraculous healings. Heart broken, alone in the world, feeling terribly guilty for the murder of the two fellow Christians, Peter purposefully made a public spectacle of himself and incited the authorities to his own arrest. At his request, Peter was crucified upside down. Essentially, Peter used the Romans to commit suicide.

Basking in self-righteousness, Peter’s death was a rude awakening. One of the female disciples confronted me. “You killed him. You killed Peter!” she accused me. “You turned your back on him when he needed you most. The master would never have done that. No matter what we did, how we fell short, he always forgave us and welcomed us back into his arms. Peter knew what he did was terribly wrong. He needed our support in his pain.”

I knew she was right. I was his best friend and I had deserted him. The pain that Peter had felt in his fall from grace was the pain I now suffered. Instead of light and ecstasy, my meditations brought anguish, darkness and mortal suffering.

This was a time of numerous scuffles and clashes between the Jewish followers of Jesus and the Jews who stuck to their traditional beliefs. Stephen and others had already been killed in some of these scuffles. The Romans didn’t take sides, they just wanted to keep the peace.

At one public meeting, where tempers were flaring, a Roman centurion (my father, in this life) ordered me to stop speaking and to leave the public area. I refused to obey his command and continued with my oratory. He chose to make an example of me. He pierced my heart with his spear and granted my wishes for death. I believed that death would deliver me from the guilt I suffered over my betrayal of Peter. As with Peter, I too had committed suicide at the hands of the Romans. It has been 2000 years and several lifetimes, but I am still working on releasing my guilt and self-inflicted punishment.

In light and love,

Amen.